UnBlogged

THE SEXY ADVENTURES OF ERIDEN COUSLAND, THE HORNY WARDEN

2010-08-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

Heinzy revisits Dragon Age with a thrust.

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Being one of the two surviving Grey Wardens from the Battle of Ostagar, Eriden had been through a lot when he met busty Morrigan for the second time that day. He had woken up naked in a small, stinky cabin, with the witch oogling his white undies, his last memories being that he was about to get gangraped by a group of evil Darkspawn.

When he walked outside, Eriden saw his savior, Morrigans mother Flemeth together with his fellow Warden and crybaby Alistair, a former mage-hunting Templar. Flemeth, who was awfully good-looking for being a centuries old abomination who had eaten dozens of men and children, told Eriden and his Grey Warden companion Alistair that the Darkspawn army had totally buttfucked the King's Army, killing countless of men and women. Even the young King had been crushed (SO MUCH BLOOD!), but neither of the Grey Wardens cared about that fruity monarch. But when Flemeth told them that she could see the s Hurlock Alphas molest the leader of the Ferelden Grey Warden leader, Duncan, Alistair trembled.

Does this mean...no it can't be, Alistair whimpered.
That's right, Flemeth said. His anus has become tainted with the Darkspawn seed and he is now more dead than Curly's sexual drive!
Who the hell is Curly? Morrigan exclaimed.
NOT DUNCAN! Eriden cried out. I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR SO MANY HOURS AND NOW I FEEL OH SO SAD BECAUSE OF HIS UNTIMELY DEATH! LOGAIN, THE MAN WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS MASSACRE, SHALL PAY! EXPOSITION!
My mentor, my Duncan...Alistair could barely contain the tears. Duncan was like a father to him, a non-main character father but still enough of a father to make his sadness believable. The last time he was this sad was when his white undies, which was of the exact same brand as Eridens, got tangled together with his sword in the Chantry washroom. The girls who saw him told the Revered Mother, a bishop of sorts, that he tried to circumcise himself. Sunday school was never the same after that.

Yes, you two are the only Grey Warden left in Ferelden, Flemeth said, and it's up to you two to save everyone from the evil hordes of inbred orcs and solve every petty squabble you can!

But this story isn't really about saving the world from an ancient evil. No, Eriden isn't that kind of a hero. He's the rich, horny kind. And his sword is ready to penetrate any kind of “evil”. But he told no one of his intentions. What good would it do?

Banding together with McWhiny and Tits Galore, Eriden began his sexy adventure throughout the land, romancing Morrigan even before they left the shithole of Lothering. After finding new companions and love interests throughout the map, he found himself deep underground in the appropriately named Deep Roads. These ancient halls were the highway that connected the dwarven cities. After the Darkspawn buttfucked the dwarves, the Roads were abandoned and now house thousands and thousands of raunchy beasts. But no creature in all of Theads was more raunchy, more sexually deprived than Eriden Cousland. And he was going to show everyone that he was the HORNY WARDEN.

and that he would leave little to the imagination.

In his quest to find the Anvil of the Void, an anvil that could create armies of nigh-indestructible golems, Eriden and his gang encountered the most well-endowed Darkspawn of them all (of course not counting the Arsedemon), the giant purple people eater aka an Ogre. After hours of hard, sweaty fighting, they managed to fell it, but not killing it. Eriden, seeing a chance to impress Morrigan (who had previously cockblocked him because she's so confused bla bla women-talk), leaped onto the great beast.

Bow Chicka...

However, being the HORNY WARDEN, he realized that he could get human pootang anywhere in Ferelden but that an Orge isn't likely to wander into the local whorehouse anytime soon. He plunged his sword right into the orifice of the beast...


...OH GOD IT HURTS

...and dismounted it, satisfied.

Sorry, I'm not normally that quick.

The redhead drunkard Oghren congratulated Eriden for killing this sodding nug-humper and started rambling on how his wife Branka was such a Hurlock-on-fire between the bedsheets. Our hero, ignoring the dwarf, told his team to continue onward while he made sure the Ogre stayed dead.

Stupid Morrigan, he mumbled. Bah, now I have something with even more pixels than her boobs! She can go and give birth to a demonbaby for all I care!

He had one last though of Duncan, in a string bikini, before he defiled the anus of his fallen foe.

Twice.

Eriden Cousland's journey through the pants of Ferelden will continue. Probably, I mean come on the guy has needs.

DSgusting: Dora Puppy

2010-08-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

Once again, Musicman takes on a truly awful DS game.

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I don't know about you guys, but I grew up with Tamagotchi and Digimon. In retrospect, those little handhelds weren't complex or all that interesting in any way, but there was a very real sense of responsibility associated with them. After all, they were fickle beasts that tended to die at a moment's notice, and for a little kid with bigger plans on his mind, that moment tended to come often. Every time, though, I was sad, because there was something I had put a lot of time into, and it vanished without a trace.

Live, damn you!

The point you should draw from all this is that even the original pet games, which debuted 14 years ago, had risks and emotional context. Even with their tiny, pixely displays, there was a bond formed, a real dedication to watching that little character grow up. And that formula worked.

So why in the world would a pet game 14 years after the fact, on far superior technology, get everything wrong? Let's find out.


Even the title is wrong

If the "back in my day, our virtual pets had risks and rewards" speech actually sounds old-fashioned, maybe you should go back to your coloring books and your safe little world, you boogerhead. I understand why people think kids shouldn't have to deal with pain, sadness, or loss; it probably rings true that it's the worst part of growing up, for everyone. But it is just that: a part of growing up. You can't take that away, or else the future generations will be doomed to fail. Maybe it seems insignificant to consider having emotional depth in children's media, but this is precisely the sort of stuff they're absorbing - and somewhere you've got to teach them that the world's not all rainbows and unicorns.

And physical improbabilities.

Not to say that they really should be absorbing this stuff. Dora the Explorer is not a very good children's franchise. If you're at all familiar with the television show or original computer program, you know that it leaves little room for the intellectual development of a child with the beginnings of the faculties of speech and color-identification. Apart from the spouting of simple vocabulary from the Spanish language (¡LENGUA!), expect some neural deterioration by the end of it.

Let's start at the beginning. I was fishing through a grab-bag of titles released this year for something that looked like a bad game. I came across the name, "Dora Puppy." I could only hope, morbidly, that it was the same Dora of Dora the Explorer. Indeed it was, and oh, were my ears in for a Spanglish treat.

That's not even the same puppy from the game, mind you.

For a game related to an educational series, it amazes me that there is no reading necessary, whatsoever. You have to listen to Dora's voice, nonstop, for information. Even when you don't want it. Especially when you don't want it. I'll get to that later. For now, we'll address the not-so-bads.

Not so bad: The graphics. There's a bit of animation, and the game makes use of the full color spectrum. The style is distinctly that of the show, meaning there's the same character style and mismatched perspectives you've come to know.

Holy cow the floor sure is slanted. Or is it? Just don't think about it.

The puppy, "PERRITO," is cute, even if it looks pitiful all the time (¡TIEMPO!). Dora looks like she does on the show, meaning her eyes are as empty and soulless as ever. She only ever exhibits two expressions, neither of which resemble normal mortal emotions.

Pictured: judgmental gazing and something we probably should not understand.

Not so bad: The gameplay. Well, there's not much, but it's all gesture-based stylus commands we've seen before. Thankfully, they all work to some degree. There's shape-tracing, which for the most part responds to drawing the shape indicated. It also responds to furious scribbling in a manner completely unrelated to the prompted shape.

LET'S SHOW HIM A TRICK BY DRAWING THIS SHAPE
LET'S SHOW HIM AGAIN

There are only a few minigames, but none of them will test your patience (unlike Let's Play Flight Attendant). Unfortunately, none of them can be lost, either. The game just patiently waits for you to fulfill whatever commands Dora barks at you. You can pick wrong the shape or color all day, and Dora will continue yelling, "TRY AGAIN!" until you get it right. There's also some microphone usage, if you could call it that. Frequently, just like in the TV show, Dora will pause to ask you to tell your puppy "WHAT A GOOD BOY HE WAS!" Regardless of what you start saying into the mic, Dora will cut you off and continue on her spiel.

Remember, kids: when that little icon shows up, you can scream whatever you want at the game!

And here's where we start getting into what's wrong with this game: Dora never shuts up. Not only will she never shut up, you have to wait until she never shuts up before you are allowed to do what she just never shut up about. They could have at least programmed some pauses in between her soundbytes, but, alas, she needs not a breath to tell you in so many words how to let your puppy outside to 'tinkle.' The game assumes that you are incapable of learning, so Dora gives you the same, lengthy explanation every time you try to take an action. There is no way to skip the explanations. Her grating, overly-compressed monologues will soon become the most annoying part of this game, and even if you attempt to tune it out, it's very difficult to ignore the frequency with which she over-articulates the word "PERRITO" such that it sounds exactly like another certain Mexican term, especially given how heavy the audio compression is.

"BURRITO BURRITO BURRITO BURRITO"

As stated, there is absolutely no text in-game, meaning you have to listen to her to know what it is you're trying to fulfill. Even once you've learned what to do, you have to wait for the pauses in her speech to take action. Sometimes, the game even checks if you're listening, by asking you to identify a color or shape Dora just said. The game essentially corners you into leaving the volume up. Even if there were text in the game, I'm positive all of Dora's speech would be in all caps. She is seriously yelling the entire time.

With all this disturbance cause by the titular Explorer, one must wonder what in the world is she even doing here (¡AQUÍ!)? The game is "Dora Puppy," as in "Dora and Puppy," not "Dora's Puppy." This is your puppy BURRITO, and Dora's just here to help you learn how to raise it. When her job is done, however, she will not leave. She is the burden on the otherwise fruitful relationship between you and BURRITO. Perhaps in a backwards twist to storytelling, the camaraderie formed between you and the puppy is based on a mutual disdain for a loud-mouthed Latin child who follows you everywhere.

Even the bathroom (¡BAÑO!).

Or perhaps she's there because the game is pretty sure you're a vegetable.

Besides the assumption that you have no learning capabilities or memory retention, the game also avoids the use of big words. Or different words. Take note as I summarize the story with terms straight from the game. You want to help BURRITO win the BIG PUPPY COMPETIION. So you take care of him and play with him to earn PUPPY TOKENS which you can spend at the PUPPY CLUB STORE to buy swank new clothes, stickers, and various devices with which to rigorously train your PUPPY. Eventually, you can save up enough to enter BURRITO in the local fair's PUPPY COMPETITION, then take the prize in the BIG PUPPY COMPETITION.

Yeah, that's right. There's puppy dress-up.

It is never cleared up whether or not the BIG PUPPY COMPETITION is the highest level of competition, or just a division for BIG PUPPIES. Who cares, I won every trophy, ribbon, and accessory in the game in under an hour. The enterprising can shoot straight for the BIG PUPPY COMPETITION and "finish" the game in less than fifteen minutes.

I'm the Winner!

Going back to my fondness for virtual pet games, there's three key things that make them work.

1. Responsibility for the pet is in the hands of the user.

Dora Puppy flings this one out the window (¡VENTANA!). Dora takes charge here. She doesn't hold your hand through it all as much as she runs through it herself, screaming and dragging you along by the ear.

2. There are risks and rewards regarding how much attention you heed to the pet's needs.

Dora Puppy, again, doesn't even try. Sure, you're forced to tend to BURRITO's basic needs every once in a while, but there's no real negative consequence for being a bad pet owner. In fact, the game rewards you for doing so. The fastest way to earn PUPPY TOKENS is by overfeeding your puppy. Way to inspire future pet owners.

Eat some more so we can afford that new puppy sweater!

3. There are displays of affection, even symbolic ones, from either party.

Dora Puppy... you get the idea. You can't pet the puppy, the puppy doesn't get happy.

Dora Puppy: Sad Puppy Simulator

If I were to base a score on the polish this game had, it might not be too bad. The art, again, is pretty vibrant, and amount of voicework is extensive for such a tiny cart (like most budget titles, DP is published on a 16 MB DS cartridge, though it doesn't even take up half of that space). The rest of the sound design is barely noticeable over Dora's tirades. There's a single song that loops quietly in the background the entire time, and there are a couple puppy noises that BURRITO emits. Don't expect them to bother you. I encountered only a couple glitches: one, Dora sometimes talks over herself (once again proof of her demonic power); and two, on occasion, the puppy would go ahead and do what it was supposed to do without waiting for me to wait for Dora to finish telling me what to tell the puppy to do. In fact, I reveled in the latter glitch, because for a moment, Dora was silent, stunned at the sign of the puppy's independence.

I am not, however, basing this score on polish alone. I am basing it on the experience of a rational human being. Even a child who watches the television show, a completely non-interactive entity, is going to be disappointed by how little Dora allows you to do. Dora is abusively controlling, and she exerts such a level of brain-melting, puppy-choking ear-rape that "playing" this game becomes less of a chore and more of a full-fledged tortuous affair.

Dora Puppy gets a -6 out of -10.

Note: I never explained the criteria for picking these bad games. I'm going for games that are less than a year old and that have never been reviewed by a major publication, online or off. Dora Puppy is fair game for these reviews because it came out in late October 2009.

P.S.: I am also redacting the original -2/-10 given to Let's Play Flight Attendant, because after a brief revisiting I have realized that its longevity is not a good thing. It is dull to the point of physical suffering, a symptom not even Dora Puppy exhibited because it is absolutely the shortest licensed game I have played this year. Let's Play Flight Attendant's only saving grace was the fact that you could play with the volume off. With that considered, it officially gets a -4 out of -10, no longer barring a hatred for French developers.

DSgusting: Let's Play Flight Attendant!

2010-08-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

Musicman3000 takes a look at the games that the kids of today are disappointed to find in their stockings.

You and me, we play games. When we go shopping to satiate our craving for interactive content, we know what we're looking for, because we read reviews, see ads, hear the latest hype, et cetera. Word of mouth is important in identifying the games that we want to play, but even those that get negative press are on our radars. Not as potential purchases, of course, but as something we can point to and say, "Yeah, I heard that sucked."

*cough*

Then there are the games that no one's heard of.

I'm not talking about those hidden gems that develop cult followings and turn up years later on someone's list of games everyone should have played.

"OMG Why haven't you played Beyond Good & Evil?!!"

Those are things that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE has heard about. No, I speak of games that no one cares about, because no one should care about them.
Notoriously bad games can be entertaining in the same way that we intinctively look at car wrecks; there's a "how could this have happened?" moment that ticks something off in our brains, and suddenly we are amused. We are glad that such things did not happen to us. We did not invest ourselves into whatever led to this travesty. We are superior.

Just as there are games that are so bad that we can extract some sort of sick pleasure from them, there exist many more games that are just plain bad. No one talks about them, no one sees them, even when they are right in front of our noses. As such, finding one may truly be a test of my perception. It may require years of training and a veritable metaphysical transformation to enter such a world where these titles truly exist.

No wait, here's one.

Hint: I can tell because of the title.

They say, "Don't judge a book by its cover." I'm afraid that in this case, you really should judge this one, right here and now. It is exactly what it claims to be.

It has become evident that adults cannot produce games for children. As any parent will find out, only children seem to know what they want. Though I'm quite certain the people behind this game are not, themselves, parents. They would understand that kids do not dream of being flight attendants.

Our titular heroine sure does, though.

Oh, and it seems we are restricted to being a girl. Or at least a guy in drag. So much for Paul the gay flight attendant. I guess I'll call her Betty.

This is one really camp airline, there's pink all over the keyboard.

Let me spell it out for you: Stop making games for kids. Kids want what adults want. They also want things that can't exist, because they still have imaginations.
Here's a handy reference for you aspiring game designers.
Games by adults, for everyone: universal appeal.
Games by adults, for kids: no appeal.
Games by kids, for whoever: super awesome universal appeal.

I believe Let's Play Flight Attendant is not aimed directly at children, but rather children's parents who may be employed in the field of air transportation. As stated in the game, your character wants to be a flight attendant because (Spoiler alert!) her mother was a flight attendant. That is the only reason given and apparently the only reason needed for this woman to throw every other career option aside. At this point, I firmly believe that this was created so that children would gain more admiration of their parent's profession, even if the events that transpire are not entirely indicative of real life.

I think she does want to scare me.

So the actual game plays out through static 2D cutscenes, followed by a series of minigames vaguely related to the nature in which an airport operates. At times, you will be performing tasks that a flight attendant would never have to do, such as directing ground control. In fact, you will be directly controlling 20+ planes on the runway at the same time, so it's safe to say you'll be performing jobs no one in any position would have to do.

They really trust interns at this airport.

I'm still not allowed near money at work.

The reward for working each day is a new article of clothing with which you can play dress-up. A game for little girls would not be complete without dress-up. Unfortunately, all the options are locked at the beginning, so you have to endure quite a number of the repetetive minigames before you can start looking fabulous.

The cutting edge of safety jacket style.

The cutscenes are handled pretty well. The art's a little inconsistent, but it all generally looks like it would appeal to a little girl. There's no animation or facial expressions, so don't expect any sort of emotion to be conveyed. The writing, while simplistic, serves its purpose. It's devoid of both emotion and typos, surprisingly, and it's occasionally funny for the wrong reasons.

I wonder about this airport sometimes.

There's not much of a plot to advance. If my earlier spoiler warning did not deter you from reading the rest of the review, I'm going to go ahead and assume that, like a normal human being, you don't care that much. So here it is: You, a teenage girl, are interning at an airport because your mom was a flight attendant. You are nervous on your first day, but you meet a few characters who make you feel safe and happy working there. You magically get hired after two days of work, and they put you on a plane without any sort of background check. Then you get to travel the world as you perform every job other than actually flying a plane. Of course, you never get to see any of the places you go, but that's what imagination is for.

In accordance with the lack of plot, there's a general lack of a game here. That's usually something you try to address when making games, but I suppose they overlooked it. It's not to say that they didn't try. They just didn't try very hard. They didn't make a single part of this game very engaging. The minigames, while somewhat varied in concept, are of less complexity than a WarioWare microgame, yet they can go on several minutes longer. Let's Play Flight Attendant thrusts you straight into the minigames with minimal preparation, so I assume the objectives of some of the tasks will be lost on earlier gamers. The story mode is short, and it tries to make little girls feel all warm and secure about the going-ons of an airport, which I suppose is admirable given the post-9/11 panic purveyed by the press, however unrealistic the goal may be. The production, however, is predictably lackluster. The sound is absolutely awful; there are two songs you'll be hearing throughout in the game, and the one that plays through the majority of the cutscenes and during minigames is maddeningly atonal. It may well be the only part of this game believably produced by children. Tone-deaf, retarded children. There's no voice acting (probably for the better), and minigame sound effects are limited to your standard crackles and beeps. It took me less than an hour to see everything this game had to offer, so I doubt it'll keep a normal kid entertained for too long. And if your kid can't read yet, they're already missing the better half of this game.

Two "different" minigames.

The 3D graphics are actually okay. The minigames that use them are really the high point of it all, relatively speaking. It's like a significantly more mediocre team came in to handle that part of the game. Too bad they didn't help with anything else.

Pictured: an unpleasant, Elite Beat Agents-inspired safety seminar and a minigame in which you learn no one paid any attention to said seminar.

All in all, I can't tell who they were trying to fool. The game's tasks are so menial, it's doubtful anyone will ever be entertained by slogging through them for fifteen minutes at a time. The story isn't interesting, partially because there's nothing memorable about the characters. The coding is so simple that it can't break. It's just one, big, boring hugbox for girls.

Let's Play Flight Attendant gets -2 out of -10. Double it if you dislike French game developers.

None of the games I will be reviewing are good. That is why I will, instead, use the Negative Scale, in which a perfect negative ten is the most ridiculously terrible thing I have ever played.

I will continue my quest to uncover laughably bad games for the DS next week!

You can't laugh in here, this is the war room!

2010-04-20T14:05:00.000-07:00

This is a piece about the development of the script Dr. Strangelove: Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb. SPOILERS SORT OF AHEAD

In 1964 Columbia Pictures nervously released Dr. Strangelove: Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb (1964)[1F], Stanley Kubrick's Cold War comedy in which a US General snaps and sends nuclear bombers to Russia, leaving the President and his aides to try and solve the situation before the bombers destroy their targets and commence World War Three.

FULIDS!

Kubrick, during the late fifties, had become incredibly afraid and fascinated by the prospect of nuclear war, he frequently read books on the subject, befriended experts in the field [2F] and then bought the rights to a book called Red Alert by Peter Bryant [2B]. After filming Lolita (1962) [3F] he and his production partner began work on 'Edge of Doom' a serious thriller based on Red Alert, as their writing sessions went deep into the night, the two found themselves wondering about the sillier possibilities of the story such as 'What if they were hungry?, would they order out or cook themselves?' [2F]. After sometime, James B. Harris disagreed that it was wise to turn 'Edge of Doom' into a comedy and he left the project to work on and direct The Bedford Project (1965)[4F] a film about a American battleship chasing a soviet nuclear submarine, told in a completely serious tone. Kubrick began the comedy re-write of the film, and hired Terry Southern to co-write on Peter Seller's suggestion [2B]. Furthermore, Kubrick is a fan of Southern's book The Magic Christian [3B] and was aware of his work as a satire writer already with books such as Candy [4B] which satirised pornography films of the time and modern sexuality.

This man wrote one of playboy's 25 sexiest books ever. Think about that for a moment.

Southern was hired for a month from November 16 to December 28, 1962 [5B] to add jokes. The earliest draft of the comedy version of the film was 'The Delicate Balance of Terror' in which Aliens observe the events of Red Alert from space. It was described as 'a film within a film' [5B]. Later on they decided that for its message to work best, they should ground it in reality. From there they develop the final script; Dr. Strangelove: Or How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb.

The differences between the book and the film are subtle and vast at the same time.

The primary concepts which are changed are its tone, the catalyst for the events that occur and the ending. The tone of the book is serious and does not make a single joke about the General sending the bombers towards Russia, nor the President's frantic attempts to fix the situation before it's too late. Conversely, the film satirises the book, not so much with the events themselves but with the characters placed in this deadly apocalyptic situation. The majority of the characters are very expressive with their actions, especially General 'Buck' Turgidson who is regularly jumping around the war room and talking extremely quickly or the never-seen-but-referenced Russian Premier Dmitri Kisov who is drunk and difficult to communicate with, asking bizarre questions and arguing about petty things. The catalyst for the events in the book is fairly different to that of the film, for in the book the General Quinten, who is to be relieved of duty due to worries about his mental state, orders his wing of bombers to attack Russia. The book is sympathetic towards Quinten with his under-officer eventually agreeing with him about the attack and displaying him as a man with an exceptional amount of strain for a single man to bear. Whereas the film displays the intimidating General Jack D. Ripper who decides that Russia must be destroyed since they have been 'sapping his bodily fluids' which he discovered 'during the physical act of love' in which he found himself feeling 'a profound sense of fatigue', so quite simply he decides to destroy Russia on the fact that he underperformed during sex and blames the communists for this problem.

DAMN COMMIES TRYIN' TO SAP MY FUILDS

This change was possibly to liken the nuclear arms race to men's obsession with being better and 'bigger' than their enemies, in the film there are a great number of references to sex and sexuality through the names of the characters (President Merkin Muffley, slang for female genitalia) and symbolism (in particular Major Kong riding the nuclear bomb as a giant phallus [1B]).

The ending of Red Alert is vastly different to that of Dr. Strangelove (1964.)

In the novel, the non-answering bomber (Called the Alabama Angel in the text) drops a nuclear bomb near its target but doesn't damage or destroy it, the premier of Russia is intent on destroying one of the USA’s cities as retribution, but is talked out of it.

This was positive ending for a book about nuclear annihilation, as no 'world-ending' situation is created. In contrast, the film ends with the bomber hitting a different target to the one it was assigned, since it was running low on fuel. The bomb hits and the doomsday machine becomes active, Dr. Strangelove proposes a way to survive by living in a mineshaft for a hundred years and ways to repopulate the Earth ('Ten females to each male...as each male would be expected to prodigious service along these lines the women would have to be chosen for their sexual characteristics which would have to be of a highly stimulating nature.)

Dr. Strangelove looking 'highly stimlated'

followed by General 'Buck' Turgidson's exclamation that the Soviets would still try and beat them at hiding in mine shafts creating a 'mine shaft gap' which is a parody of the 'missile gap' or 'bomb gap' noted in many theories about Nuclear Strategy [1B]. A 'missile gap' is when the opposing nation has better or significantly more nuclear missiles than the other and during the time in which they are building new/more missiles to catch up is the gap where the opposing nature has the potential to 'win' in nuclear war. Finally Dr. Strangelove rises from his wheelchair saying 'Sir! I have a plan...MIEN FUHRER I CAN WALK!” and there follows a montage of nuclear explosions set to Vera Lynn's "We'll Meet Again".

This change in ending was due to Kubrick’s belief that the positive/happy ending of the book was illogical and unfitting with the message of the story. With this new ending where the doomsday machine is activated, and actually shows the end of the world, the book is almost anti-climactic by comparison. In the original script, the ending was meant to be a 'pie-fight' where the Soviet ambassador was caught spying on the 'big board' and he throws a pie at General Turgidson but he ducks and it hits the president, causing flurry of white custard pies to throw around covering everything, then Dr. Strangelove attempts to commit suicide but his 'other' hand stops him and the shot fires into the air stopping the pie-fighting generals, he tells them that they should stop being so childish and points to the President and the ambassador who have started building sandcastles out of the custard, Turgidson says that the world is now in the hands people like Dr. Strangelove and it ends there. This scene was cut by Kubrick due to his feelings that it was 'it was farce and not consistent with the satiric tone of the rest of the film.'[3W].

Pictured: Pies. Not Picture: Good Satire.

However, there is an unresolved debate about the script, for Kubrick was very annoyed at the fact that Terry Southern was credited with the turning of the film into a satire from a serious film, when in fact Kubrick and Peter George had been working on the script for eleven months prior [5B] and also when the advertising of The Loved One [6F] displayed 'the writer of Dr. Strangelove' which angered Kubrick further. Nowadays it is not widely known that Southern's contribution was small compared to that of Kubrick's and George's and he is still commonly known as the main writer of the jokes in the film [1B].

The release of Dr. Strangelove [1F] was difficult for Kubrick as the studio (Columbia Pictures) were very nervous about the concept and didn't expect it to make any money. However they may have been nervous at the time as their liaisons with Kubrick said ''The publicity department is having a hard time getting a handle on how to promote a comedy about the destruction of the planet." [2W] and earlier on in the production "Just tell Stanley, that New York does not see anything funny about the end of the world!...as we know it." [2W].

Dr. Strangelove's marketing department after giving up.

They were wrong to be nervous as it turned into a box office hit and was selected by the library of Congress as one of the fifty greatest films of all time [2W], It was also nominated for four Oscars and won ten awards (Including Best British Film at the BAFTAS [1W]), To this day it remains one of the most popular and highest acclaimed comedy films of all time [4W] and influences many films even now [5F].

As it stands, Dr. Strangelove or: how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb [1F] is exceptional example of satire of important issue, feature-film scriptwriting and proof that great adaptations don't need to be faithful to the source material they can be a completely new experience but still getting the same important message across.

Ahead: Tl;DR unless you're really interested about where I got the information.

References

Bibliography
[1B] Naremore, J. (2007) On Kubrick, London, British Film Institutive
[2B] Bryant, P. (1958) Red Alert, Milton Keynes, Lightning Source UK Ltd.
[3B] Southern, T. (1959) The Magic Christian, Budapest, Andre Deutsch Ltd
[4B] Southern, T. (1958) Candy, Paris, Olympia Press
[5B]Hill, L. (2001) A Grand Guy: The Art and Life of Terry Southern, London, HarperCollins

Webliography
[1W] IMDB, “Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)” (Online) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057012/ (15/04/2010)

[2W] Visual Memory, “The Kubrick Site: Terry Southern on 'Dr. Strangelove'” (Online) http://www.visual-memory.co.uk/amk/doc/0081.html (13/04/2010) (Note: This is a reprint of a Journal article from Grand Street Issue 49#)

[3W] Visual Memory, “The Kubrick Site: Kubrick's Interview by Joseph Gelmis” (online) http://www.visual-memory.co.uk/amk/doc/0069.html (14/04/2010) (note: Excerpted from "The Film Director as Superstar")

[4W] MetaCritic, “Metacritic: Best-Reviewed Movies” (online) http://www.metacritic.com/film/highscores.shtml (14/04/2010)

Filmography
[1F] Kubrick, S. (dir.) (1964) Dr. Strangelove: Or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb (film) UK, Columbia Pictures
[2F] Naylor, D. (dir.) (2000) Inside: 'Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb' (documentary) USA, Columbia Pictures
[3F] Kubrick, S. (dir.) (1962) Lolita (film) USA/UK, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer
[4F] Harris, J.B. (dir.) (1965) The Bedford Incident (film) USA/UK, Columbia Pictures
[5F] Snyder, Z. (dir.) (2009) Watchmen (film) USA, Warner Bros. Pictures
[6F] Richardson, T. (dir.) (1965) The Loved One (film) USA, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer

Broadcast News Programme - Episode 2

2010-03-22T10:42:00.001-07:00

Episode 2

Better in some ways, worse in others.

KBoomer

Broadcast News Programme - Episode 1

2010-03-12T09:23:00.000-08:00

Broadcast News Programme - Episode 1

A Satire news programme. It'll get better honest!

KBoomer

I'm clearly a professional.

2010-03-02T17:08:00.000-08:00

KBoomer talks about awkward filming, maybe not for the last time.

So in recent times I've been doing lots of filming and writing.

Weridly I have some sort of awkwardness about filming or writing anything we're people are getting it on, kissing or doing pretty much anything along those lines.

For example when filming the music video Girls (You know this one). With it being a "out of control party", the kind of party we would all like to say we've gone to but never did, invovles filming people kissing, girls kissing each other, people getting on a bath and girl's pillow fighting.

Pretty much this kind of situation.

Now really, I don't have a huge problem with anyone doing any of the above (I've been know to encourage one or two of them), but for some reason when it came to filming them I felt really awkward, especially standing along side my friend (she's just going to be known as failsland for now). Now showing this video to my parent's was just as awkward as I didn't really want to face the question of "So you were filming the part where the girls are to tear each other's clothes off then?"

I didn't look at them at all! I swear!

Just as bad in the edit suite really when you've got it on a massive video screen which kind of looks like you're watching porn.

Even worse really is when I find it difficult to write things into scripts like people kissing or doing anything romantic in the slightlest, because then I get the impression people are going to be like 'Oh, so this is just you and your fantasies then eh?". Won't be so bad if I'm doing this as work (like a job work), but at the moment only my friend's and family read my scripts, so whatever I write reflects on me. I'm just fine with writing about people getting cut up by hitmen, but someone kissing?! Good God no.

In one of my last scripts I barely managed to fit a romantic plot line into it and it couldn't have been more of a wuss attemped if I tried:

I'm mature damnit.

It's a bit odd that I can't write these without acting like a child who's gotten kissed on the cheek by a girl. Running away, giggling, stuffing chocolate into my face and then wondering who will judge me.

That's me on the right and my script on the left.

He also feels awkward about dancing in a club when there's no girls in the group.

KBoomer

Being Human

2010-03-01T14:14:00.000-08:00

I wanted to contribute to UnBlogged for once and I decided to tell people about the british show called "Being Human". It's about a group of misfits: a werewolf, a vampire and a ghost trying to live a normal human life, despite being a bloodsucker or a hairy beast every month or just plain invisible!

Just a reminder, I have only seen Season 1 so far. And I am not going to spoil so much for you, only hint

I'm here to tell you all about Being Human, and no, I am not telling you people that you are ugly bastards looking like this:

Holy Shit. My hand is awesome.

And that brings us to George Sands(one of the protagonists in the and the lucky man in the picture above) an average joe with the IQ of 156 turned into a werewolf while on a vacation. And he was out walking with another guy, they were attacked by a really big wolf.(or Werewolf, not a big difference eh?) Let's just say George was the lucky one to with no intestines hanging out and only a scratch on his shoulder. Not so lucky with the fact that he now is a werewolf. He had to leave his family and fiancèe after this. This led him to meet one of the series vampires Mitchell(just a quick note, there is a lot of them!). He eventually gets a girlfriend(who got one nasty burnmark on her belly), but it got its ups and down because George tries to hide his other furry side. Also the process in being turned into a werewolf is quite painful. The screams are truly horrific.

I thought vampires had good dress sense.

Mitchell!

This is Mitchell, vampire, over 100 years old(he was "recruited" by Herrick in WW1, and who is Herrick? I'll tell you in a minute.) and currently trying to stay on the waterwagon (literally). He has a lot of trouble from the local vampire coven(their "front" is a funeral parlour) and he frequently argues with Herrick who wants him back to the group. He is more socially adept than George, who often seems like nervous, stuttering fool out with people, where Mitchell is plain confident and "cool". Even if he tries to stay away from bloodsucking, he got his setbacks once in a while, just watch the first episode and you'll know! As a vampire he doesn't have a mirror reflection. One episode makes this plain hilarious. In his bloody days he was quite the devil and often murdered, Herrick haves his stories with a ruthless Mitchell. In episode 1 he and George moves to a flat in Bristol where we meet our last and hero of the show, Annie.

I'm a little disappointed by this "see through top'. to be honest with you

Annie!

This cute little ghost was killed in the flat where George and Mitchell is now currently residing, and no, she wasn't killed by a hungry vampire or a rampaging werewolf.(first episode, hilarious moment!) In every episode, she wears the same clothes, but they change a little depending on her mood. Annie is still in the human world because she got unfinished business and wants to find out what or who killed here. All she knows is that she fell down the stairs, but how? Well, I can say that I just don't like her ex-fiancèe Owen, but the house is acting up all the time too, so it's a mystery people! But what I can say is that she turns down the chance of walking through the door that she wanted so badly to cross. And no one has ever done that before, what does this do to our poor Annie? Find out!

This is the bad guy Herrick I was talking about. His plans of world domination just seems kinda off when he is planning it all in Bristol and the vampires can't enter houses without being invited in (both scary and hilarious in episode 6) other than the funeral hobby of his, his job is patrolling the streets... as a police officer of course! The local hospital isn't so great because of this guy, as it turns out, he and other vamps are using the place to get a healthy, bloody meal.

I think I'll just end this all with a scary dude and not bother you with my advertising of this (oh so great) show.

Curly

A word or two about Heavy Rain.

2010-02-25T18:30:00.000-08:00

I got hold of Heavy Rain today, and finished it due to some utter determination.

When I started playing it, I could see daylight, when I stopped it was 1am.
I don't think i've been this protective of my character(s) since Shadow of the Colosuss
The "Quick-Time Events" work better than I expected them to do, especially since if you fail them at all, then the scene takes a different path
The crime investigation is well done.
Most importantly your character's CAN die, so pay attention to the game like you're holding on for dear life, because if you fail them completely, that person is gone for good.

Also, buy it. Just do it, I wouldn't want to spoil it for you.

KBoomer

Sex Quiz Please, We're British. - A Review

2010-02-16T11:30:00.000-08:00

Heinzy against all prior advice and warnings dived head first into 'Sex Sqaud' a game designed by Health folk in South England. Not Safe For Work. Christ, there's a guy with Penises for hands.

You've been warned. I however was not.

In an attempt to raise awareness of STI's, the Middlesex-London (heh, sex) Health Unit have made game about 4 sexual superheroes, Wonder Vag, Willy the Kid, Power Pap and Captain Condom. Together they are the Sex Squad (what else?), dedicated to the eradication of sexually transmitted infections. They probably have lame swinger parties as well, but it is not mentioned.

That black guy got quite the bulge.

In their first-ever game debut, they have to fight the Sperminator, a former Sex Squad member turned evil when he got an STI and left it untreated. It also turned him into a Mexican Wrestler, but they leave it unanswered if STI's and Mexico have a connection. In order to defeat him, you must answer 25 questions about sex and diseases. If you answer it wrong, the Sperminator will shoot sperm at you with his penis-hands (they make me feel quite inadequate).

Mine is still bigger. My hand, that is.

The graphics are cartoonish and works well, since the target audience is kids in their early teens. If I saw Dexter and Deedee trying different condoms and coils when I was a kid I would never have gotten herpes, I'll tell you that. I want to compare the graphics with TF2's but that is just wrong on so many levels.

The gameplay is repetitive, since all you do is click on two buttons and watch either you or the Sperminator being drenched in shark-sperm, or Sperm Sharks. Sperm Whales? Whatever, you answer the questions and win the game.

And there is not much else to say about it. A nice little experience for your kids that they will never forget, not matter how much they drink.

No shield could protect him from the long, cold showers he took afterwards.

Heinzy

I made a music video.

2010-02-10T18:32:00.001-08:00

Red Static - Girls

Enjoy.

KBoomer

My Childhood Memories or Dinosaurs ate my neighbours!

2010-02-07T12:38:00.001-08:00

Capcom has made plenty of good games.

I've never played any of them.

Instead, when I was a kid, my parents bought me a big, black box with the name ”Dino Crisis” on it, made by Capcom. I loved dinosaurs, and they only saw the name and thought ”why this will be a perfect gift for our 7 year old son!”. What they did not see was the big, bloody dinosaur claw that was pictured right under the title. And I couldn't care less! It was A DINOSAUR GAME. WITH DINOSAURS. SOME BLOOD AND CLAWS DON'T SCARE ME!

Note: Not for 7 Year olds

The story was simple: Crazy scientist unleashes dinosaurs on an island and some special agents have to sort out the mess. Not exactly

The game was so horrifying for my tiny, undeveloped brain I asked my father to sit next to me while playing it. He just smacked me and told me to grow up, then he ripped of his shirt and begun fighting with some polar bears. That's just our way here in Sweden.

Anyhoo, the game was really fun unless you got stuck, which I did. A lot. There were constant puzzles that my brain couldn't handle and every now and then some scary dinosaur would pop out and scare the living bajs out of me.

That God damn T-Rex just wouldn't leave me alone...he still haunts my dreams...oh god all the blood mommy help me

Heinzy

KBoomer First Time Watch: Natural Born Killers

2010-01-31T16:23:00.000-08:00

I recently bought three films I had never seen before. So this is my opinion of them after watching them the first time.

This week: Natural Born Killers

So what I heard about this was it:

- A satire on news media

- Film Violence

- Funny in a wacky dark way.

What I can deduce about it from watching it is:

- It is a satire on news media and the werid hype around serial killers

- A very thin mentions of film violence

- Funny in points and not in the way I expected, funny in a dark way, but not wacky.

This bit was dark and wacky. Good times.

It concerns the rampage of Mickey and Mallory, two southern psychopaths, who seemed to be just as interested in killing people as becoming celebrities. It goes about explaining their orgins and how they got to this point. Mostly through a TV show called 'Americas Mainics' hosted by Robert Downey Jr. (Who's name I forget in the film).

This guy. He's just Robert Downey Jr.

The TV show is pretty creepy as it pretty closely resembles American shows I've seen in the past, and is the majority of that 'dark comedy' i mentioned earlier. Another item within it is a 60s style sitcom about Mallory who is being abused by her father. Initally it's funny (it isn't so clear about it intially) but then becomes a whole lot creepier as it goes on, which I guess is the point but I wasn't prepared for something quite as unsettling as that.

When they aren't showing these TV shows, they are showing Mickey and Mallory shooting up people and starting to argue and then Robert Downey Jr. jumping around about ratings.

This all leads up to a pretty astonding climax (I'm not going to spoil it), which was absolutely mental if you saw it in reality but got it's point across propely in the end.

Oh Tommy Lee Jones is in it too. He's Cool.

So as visually it was cool in places such as the television shows being reflected on the window,

This is a TV show, not a on fire window.

But for the most part there was a big problem. When I watched it, I was pretty ill and the film has a habit of using about fifty different angles and fliters a minute, which pretty much fucked over my headache.

Like this mindfuck of fliter.

Now although I was ill, I'm sure when completely devoided of illness, I'm going to get annoyed by this angles and fliters. They just seemed a bit irrelvant, and if they were meant to Ironic then they overdid it. Christ that annoyed me.

Anyway, in the end I did like the film, it was nifty, smart and funny. Just not exactly what I expected.

So watch it, you'll like it. But you'll leave with a headache and a feeling of 'well that's kind of creepy'

KBoomer

UnBlogged: Slow start like a turtle chained to bricks

2010-01-30T13:49:00.000-08:00

So we're several months into UnBlogged, it's going well in terms of the quality of the articles (I think so) but sadly we have very few of them!

So ask for encouragement, suggestions and contributions if you're from unconcered (and let's face it you are).

KBoomer

Heinzy's Dragon Age Extra

2009-11-21T14:27:00.000-08:00

Heinzy's been lazy this week, and not played his video games hours 11-14. Instead he presents DRAGON AGE EXTRA, a feature making it's first (and potentionally last) appearance. So enjoy this re-calling of a drunk midget's features and actions.

Also:
SPOILERS A'HOY!
Dragon Extra: Oghren

While down in the dwarven city of Orzammar (like the Mines of Moria, but with more lava and less Balrogs.) I encountered a redhead dwarf named Oghren. First I did not get to speak with him much, mostly because:

A: He hated me for some reason I can't remember.

B: He was drunk like fuck.

Later on in the game, however, he insists on coming along to help me find this broad who just happens to be his wife!

This is all fun and games (literally!) but it doesn't get really funny until we get back to camp.

First he threatens my dog and calls him a nug-humper(?).

That's quite a beard.

Then he wants to have sex with me (!?).

Such a sexy beard...

And finally he passes out, leaving him open for me to ravage his anus. Or something.

I could rape him

...

I'm not going to rape him.

So, yeah, he is a pretty cool guy I suppose maybe.

Heinzy

Interview's with Media Molecule and Beatnik Games

2009-11-19T08:56:00.000-08:00

Pause it, scroll down to 18th November and it's about 3/4 through.

KBoomer

Heinzy's Hours of Dragon Age: Origin: Six to Ten

2009-11-14T09:37:00.000-08:00

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR DRAGON AGE, SO WATCH OUT

Hours 6-10

So how do we get the stains out?

Well shit. My dad's best friend turned out to be a backstabbing son of a marbari. His soldiers killed everyone in the castle and left my father to die in a puddle of blood (and possibly urine). Luckily, a Grey Warden, the Jedis of this game, named Duncan saved me and helped me out of the castle, while my mother stayed behind to defend my dying dad.

No time for mourning though, we gotta turn me into a GREY WARDEN HELL YEAH

I'm taken to a camp, where the king of this country has gathered his army, ready to fight of the horrbile evil that is the NaziZombieDemons from Outer Space. Or Darkspawn, I wasn't paying attention to what they said.

"Sorry, I wasn't listening, you said something about monkeys...right?"

So, I team up with this guy named Alistair and together they send us of into the wilderness to gather precious XP and kickass loot.

Also getting killed by dragons.

I can't even begin to explain how this happened.

Heinzy's Hours of Dragon Age: Origin: Two to Five

2009-11-11T17:29:00.000-08:00

Hours 2-5: Warming up

With the game installed and my bladder empty, I start up the GAME. Yeah, you just lost it.

I decide that I want to create a Conan the Barbarian version of me, which is basically Arnold with red hair and sideburns. He is a fighter, so he wields a great big sword so he can decapitate people, and he is also the son of a nobleman, so that he absolutely WILL decapitate someone, since noblemen are kinda dicks that way.

Since I rather not spoil the game for anyone, I will just sum up what happens in the next 2 hours:

Talking

Running

And I get a DOG! Omfg dis gaem is awsum!

"Is that your tail, or are you just happy to see me?"

Now, this seems like a good start! Everyone likes me, I got a pretty dog and I can run around in my undies freely!

What could possibly go wrong?

Shit.

Velroth's Grindhouse: Mad Men

2009-11-07T12:55:00.000-08:00

Velroth is ethier a well paided member of the American TV Union or a really big advocator of television dramas, In Velroth's Grindhouse he'll show you the best that Amercian TV has to offer. Catch him every week discussing a new show.

This Week: Mad Men

Mad Men -

A term coined in the late 1950s to describe the advertising executives of Madison Avenue.

They coined it.

Mad Men begins in 1960 at the fictional Sterling Cooper advertising agency on New York City's Madison Avenue. The show centers on Don Draper, the agency's creative director, and the people in his life in and out of the office. It also depicts the changing social mores of 1960s America. Mad Men is the best show on television right now, and it has one of my favorite opening themes . Hell, I love this show so much I bought this lighter.

Mad Men’s strongest aspect are the characters, so let’s meet the employees of Sterling Cooper:

Don Draper – The hero(?) of the story. Don is the creative director and a junior partner at Sterling Cooper, a successful advertising agency. He is considered an asset to the company as he has considerable talent for understanding the desires of others and selling ideas to them. On the outside, Don is the model 1960’s male; handsome, strong and suave. Inside though, Don is a confused, broken mess. He is married to Elizabeth "Betty" Draper and has two children; he has a history of infidelity that includes several mistresses. Though Don cares for his family, it is implied that he is unsatisfied with his life and marriage to the point that he questions whether or not he loves his wife. His past is a complete mystery to both the characters and audience, but it is slowly revealed throughout the series through flashbacks and people from his past showing up at his doorstep.

Pete Campbell – Pete was born in New York City to an upper class WASP family. His mother, Dorothy Dyckman-Campbell, is a member of the elite Dyckman family, which owned most of upper Manhattan prior to 1929. Pete seems to view Don as both a mentor and a hindrance to his advancement within the firm. Pete’s desire to have Don’s job makes it so he is not above stealing advertising ideas from fellow co-workers, and documents off of Don’s desk, which causes friction between the two men.

Roger Sterling – Roger's father was the Sterling in Sterling Cooper, which explains why his name is before Cooper's. He is Don's boss and best friend, and is well liked and respected with everyone in and outside the firm. He's as much as a womanizer as Don (perhaps even more of one), and he served in the Navy during World War II. He drinks more than McNutty and The Bunk combined.

Elizabeth "Betty" Draper – Betty is Don’s wife and mother to his two children. She was a professional model when she met Don, and even rejected his advances when they first met. It was only when Don bought her the fur coat she wore during a photo shoot when she decided to go out with him, and they shortly got married. Don affectionately calls her “Birdy”. Like how Don is the model 1960’s male, Betty is the model 1960’s housewife on the outside. And like Don, she is broken on the inside (considerably less than Don however). When the series begins she starts seeing a psychiatrist, unaware that Don is asking the psychiatrist to tell him everything she has said during sessions.

Joan Holloway – That’s not a joke, that’s the best way to describe this character. Seriously. Fine, here’s a more detailed one: Joan is the office manager of the Sterling Cooper advertising agency. Her primary responsibilities are to manage the girls in the secretarial and steno pool. She is also seen during meetings between the heads of departments, taking notes and reminding the male staff of their duties to their clients (like keeping in touch with clients by telephone and keeping track of account details that may affect the client's budget). Embodying the role of femme fatale, Holloway is a role model for all the female office workers and mentor to the naïve Peggy Olson.

Peggy Olson – Peggy grew up in a strict, lower-middleclass Roman-Catholic family in Brooklyn, and is the newest female employee at Sterling Cooper, joining the firm just after graduating from a respected secretarial school. At the start of the series she is naïve and innocent, working as Don Draper’s new secretary. Since working with Don, Joan and Pete, her innocence has slowly faded away.

Mad Men is returning for a third season on August 16th, and I highly recommend you guys catch up on the first two seasons so you can watch season 3 with the cool kids.

Nostalgia.

It’s delicate, but potent…

Teddy told me that in Greek, nostalgia literally means the pain from an old wound.

It’s a twinge in your heart, far more powerful than memory alone.

This device… isn’t a spaceship, it’s a time machine.

It goes backwards, forwards.

It takes us to a place where we ache to go again.

It’s not called the Wheel.

It’s called the Carousel.

It lets us travel the way a child travels.

Around and around and back home again, to a place where we know we are loved.

- Season 1, Episode 13: “The Wheel”Season 1, Episode 13: "The Wheel"

Heinzy's First Hours of Dragon Age: Origin

2009-11-07T12:43:00.000-08:00

Hour 1: Installation

Finally.

Dragon Age: Origin. A game I've waited years for. Finally, I have it. But do I deserve it?
Hell yeah I do.

I held the DVD in my hand. Written on it was "Dragon Age: Origin" . It felt like I was going to faint; how could I, a simple millionare playboy/secret agent, ever be to handle the awesomeness that was inside this disc?

There was only one way to find out.

I installed it.

It went rather smoothly, taking about 10 minutes. In the mean time I inspected the cloth map I got with the game. Pretty neat actually, but a bit small. It also seems like someone accidently spilled orange juice on the right corner, but that did not matter. It was still something to brag about.

Now I've installed it, and the game is waiting for me.

Finally I get to play.

A sophisticated and well balanced review of Half Life 2.

2009-10-10T04:47:00.001-07:00

A sophisticated and well balanced review of Half Life 2.

dis gam suks it 2 hrd

graffix: 3/10

sound 0/19

brany geving u ohed bers 0/2

gaem playe: -4/10000000

dajt wahs my reviw of Halflif2 f0r pechee

Velroth's GrindHouse: Six Feet Under

2009-09-18T04:48:00.000-07:00

This Week: Six Feet Under

Who are these people who are funeral directors that we hire to face death for us? What does that do to their own lives — to grow up in a home where there are dead bodies in the basement, to be a child and walk in on your father with a body lying on a table opened up and him working on it? What does that do to you? If death is your business, how does it affect your life? That’s what Six Feet Under is about, and we learn these things through the Fisher family and their funeral home Fisher & Sons.

An average day for the Fishers.

Ever see that movie Dancer in the Dark? This show is like that: constant, soul-crushing depression throughout. That’s not to say every frame in the show ends with you drowning in a pool of tears; when they turn on the comedy in this show it’s so charming and witty it briefly makes you forget how melancholy this show was moments before.Six Feet Under is great because it ask questions I’m sure most of us has asked, such as why people who’ve never met your recently deceased express fake sympathy towards you.

David Fisher (right) has always been insecure about his father Nathaniel’s (left) judgment

Fisher & Sons consists of Nate Fisher, an absolute loser in his mid-thirties who ran away from his life in the funeral home and ended up being a manager in a Seattle co-op, only to be forced back into the business and have to learn to deal with death and the effect it has on the families on a daily basis. Dave Fisher, played by the wonderful Michael C. Hall (Who now takes the lead role in Dexter), is the only of the sons to stay with the family and help his father Nathaniel run the business. He’s also deeply in the closet and tries his best to keep his relationship with police officer Keith Charles a secret to everybody. Keith also looks a little too much like Doakes.

This would explain why there’s so much tension between them in Dexter

Ruth Fisher is the matriarch of the family. She grew up taking care of her amputee grandmother. When she was nineteen she met Nathaniel Fisher and has since been married to him for the last thirty years. She’s also incredibly guilt-ridden throughout the first season. The last Fisher is Claire, a high-school student who tries to be a normal teenager, despite her inability to understand why other teenagers are so self-absorbed and pretentious. Her bleak outlook on life due to growing up in a funeral home causes her to be a social pariah at her school.

Claire is the only person in her school to realize none of this drama matters

The last person to mention is Federico Diaz, an absolute artist. Nathaniel put Federico through mortuary school, so he is completely loyal to the Fishers and does his best work for them. If there’s one thing to watch this show for, it’s seeing Federico make even the most disfigured bodies to look even better than they did when they were alive. One of the main aspects of the show is seeing the Fishers deal with a funeral every episode. The beginning of every episode starts with someone dying either a creative or depressingly horrific death; one of the worst is when you see two men beat a gay man to death and curb stomp him.

The Fishers hosting a gang funeral is one of the better episodes

Let’s talk about the character progression, because this show has some of the best. I have never watched a show before where I absolutely hated every single character at the beginning, only to love them as they mature throughout the series. Claire is a perfect example since she starts off as a generic teenage girl, but she becomes a fantastic character as the series progresses. One of the main plot elements is a large funeral home chain called Kroehner trying to buy out Fisher & Sons. Nate originally wants to sell, even after taking into account the fact that Kroehner just wants to make more money, but after personally comforting a family who recently lost a loved one, Nate realizes Kroehner doesn’t care about the grieving people so he refuses the deal. Though that only serves to make Kroehner try to forcefully put Fisher & Sons out of business.

Nate quickly loses patience with Kroehner

Kroehner forces all of Fisher’s suppliers to either not deal with them any longer or to greatly raise their prices, so the Fishers can barely afford their supplies. Kroehner also cuts their own prices, making the only way the Fishers can get any business is just through good service and word of mouth. Through this Nate also has to deal with his slightly-off girlfriend Brenda and her over-protective, psychotic, bi-polar brother Billy. The relationship between these three is fantastic and is one of the highlights of the show for me.

Billy tells Nate what he fantasized about doing to Brenda’s ex-boyfriend.

But seriously, I can’t really put into words how great Six Feet Under is without spoiling anything major about the characters. It’s an incredibly well written show, and it also comes in an incredibly badass

Six Feet Under lived for five seasons, passing away in 2005.

Aw.

- Velroth

Velroth's GrindHouse: Breaking Bad (Or Watch Malcom's Dad sell meth)

2009-09-11T14:55:00.000-07:00

This Week: Breaking Bad

2. Breaking Bad

Sometimes, life forces you to cross the line. You're going about your normal everyday routine, when suddenly something truly awful happens and all that pent-up rage you feel about your job, your marriage, your very existence, is released with unstoppable fury. Some call it "reaching the breaking point"; others call it "breaking bad."

Breaking Bad (v.) 1. to challenge convention 2. to defy authority 3. to raise hell

Breaking Bad follows a completely average man named Walter White in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Walter teaches High School chemistry, has a pregnant wife and a crippled son; he is also diagnosed with terminal lung cancer despite never smoking a day in his life. Given only three years to live, Walter decides to use his knowledge of chemistry to produce and sell methamphetamine so he can have his family be financially secure after he dies.

Walter White, husband, father, teacher. Drug kingpin.

Because Walter has always played it nice and safe, he doesn’t have the necessary skills to find and transact with distributors. He tracks down and blackmails small time drug dealer Jesse Pinkman, who is also an old student of Walter. Jesse is reluctant of working with Walter, but after Walt creates a batch of perfect crystal, Jesse realizes that he and Walt can quickly rise up in the ranks of the drug trade.

Jesse tending to his wounds after his brush with death – his first of many.

The duo isn’t perfect however – Walt and Jesse constantly clash due to Walt’s strict attitude and Jesse’s incompetence and addiction to his own product. Because of this Jesse creates multiple mistakes which Walter is forced to remedy – no matter the cost.

Jesse disposes of some minor evidence.

Since Walt, unlike Jesse, has a life beyond the drug trade, he has to keep up appearances; he remains a high school teacher and is constantly keeping his family in the dark about his new business – especially his wife Skylar who has become suspicious of Walt’s distant behavior and is always investigating into his affairs, and his brother-in-law Hank, who is a DEA agent assigned to shut down a rising drug kingpin (unaware it is Walt).

Walter warms up to his new line of work.

Breaking Bad is due for a third season next year, the second finishing several months ago. The first season is out now on DVD but the second won’t be out until January, so it’s currently an easy show to catch up on (the first season only has seven episodes). And if the above images/anything I've said seemed to spoil anything, don’t worry, nothing was spoiled. Trust me.

The characters from left to right: Walter White Jr., Walter White, Skylar White, Marie Schrader, Hank Schrader, Jesse Pinkman.

Breaking Bad really is a great show, and with AMC providing such quality programming lately they are pretty much turning into the new HBO. Let’s hope they keep it up.

Top-Notch Drug Dealing

- Velroth

Lily Allen: Musical Brilliance

2009-09-11T14:39:00.000-07:00

Lily Allen is 24 year old British pop musician/singer. In my personal opinion one of the greatest artists around. Her music is brilliant varied, catchy enticing melodies and sneakily smart, funny lyrics. Currently touring in the

she has two albums, both exceptionally impressive.

Songs
Her musical style varies from straight out pop to folk to country to drum and bass to big band.
Here are a few of my favourites as listing ever Lily Allen song would take a lot of time and I'm not sure I can summon the energy to list everything, so here is my favourite songs from her first and second album.
(All the links are Spotify links so don't click them unless you have Spotify open.)

Alright, Still
Alright, Still was her debut album released in July 2006.

Smile
Smile was her first single written about a ex-boyfriend who cheated on her, is catchy piece of pop music containing various ska injections. Being the first song I ever heard her sing it was quite a surprise to hear the lyrics "Every time I see you cry, it makes me smile", I was in a plain state of "what", then my sister proceeded to try and find it on any music channels all day long. An extremely catchy song which really clings to your mind, and of course it's really really good.

Not Big
Not Big is another song about an ex-boyfriend, but this time one who she breaks up because frankly he's shit in bed. Again nifty lyrics and a great beat, a bit awkward to listen as a male the first few times, because as the song is directly aimed as if she was speaking to this ex, so feels like a string of very harsh insults coming your way.

Friday Night
Friday Night, a song about over-arrogant sluts who she has come across when out on the town, great because it's pretty funny, superb melody and all around decent song.

Shame For You
Shame For You a song seemingly about a over zealous man trying to get with her. Probably my favourite song on the album, absolutely fantastic beat and melody which is mesmerizing and nifty enjambment lyrics which make it a song of pure excellence. Makes me wish she released it as a single because a music video would be very fitting to this song, shame.

Alfie
Alfie is a song about her little brother Alfie Owen Allen, the song has a wonderful child's song feel to it as she refers to smoking pot and getting laid, making it a nice contrast (something she's very good at), but also it has a personal place in my heart as it reminds me of my sister and our love-hate relationship. But of course minus the weed smoking and fitted caps, obviously.

Not to say any of the other songs on Alright, Still are sub-standard, they are all brilliant, just some are slightly more brilliant than others. Knock 'Em Out a great song about unwanted attention on nights out, LDN A jolly satirical look at London, Everything's just wonderful a social commentary about the various troubles for young people in Britain, Littlest Things a slow, sad song about her ex who she reminisces about, Take what you take a superbly catchy song about independence from the older generation, Friend of Mine a funky reggae related song about a friend of her's (duh) who is sleeping around and generally making a fool of herself, to the point were Allen doesn't want to be her friend as she's changed too much.

It's Not Me, It's you
It's Not Me, It's you is her second album, and I personally prefer it, released in February 2009 it includes more variety and even more interesting subject matter for songs. It's very difficult for me not to list all the songs in this album, as it's one of the few albums in the world which I like every song, but I’ve cut four songs out of it, that's a fair trade.

Everyone's At It
Everyone's At It is the leading track on her second album, if she placed this one to make a impression on someone listening to the album for the first time, she sure as hell made a good choice. It's a mixture of drum and bass, dance and pop, which leaves a lasting mark which it's fantastic sounding backing and beat. The lyrics are referring the legal and illegal drug use, She seems more concerned with people using drugs for practically any problem they face, such as depression. Not only that, but she refers to everyone as a drug users "From Politicians to young adolescents, prescribing themselves antidepressants". So all in all this a excellent song with a thought provoking theme.

The Fear
The Fear was her first released single of the new album (In the UK) and again another thought provoking theme with superb lyrics. She half from the prospect of how she believes some of the western world thinks and then in the chorus as her fear about their thoughts. The thoughts are concerned with materialism and selfishness created through media and consumerism. In a interview she said she was sick of being asked what "The Fear" was, so now she just answers "Paris Hilton is the fear". Couple the frightening world she refers too with a curiously claming melody, and amazing pop/folk song.

Not Fair
Not Fair is her second single and is back on track with a primarily comedic song about another ex-boyfriend who she considers the perfect guy expect for the fact he's absolutely crap in the sack and seemingly selfish in it too, in contrast to his incredibly sensitive demure anywhere else. It's primarily set out with a country and western beat, which considering I’m really not a fan country music is catchy and dance worthy. It's pretty weird to enjoy singing along to song with the line "I lie here in the wet patch in the middle of the bed, i'm feeling pretty damn hard done by I spent ages giving head." but I can't help it, it's awesome.

22
22 is the third single from the Album which is pop song through in and through out in terms of melody and beat, lyrics however are a different story. Telling the plight of a thirty year-old woman who had a bright future ahead of her when she was 22, but now finds her self seven years later with nothing to hope for but "until the man of her dreams comes along, picks her up, and puts her over his shoulders.", Allen refers to the woman as someone who was very pretty and it allowed to get most things she wanted, but all of sudden her looks had faded further and she was unable to use them to float through life. I'm quite fond of that line about the man of her dreams, as generally you'd expect the words "Man of her dreams" to be followed by "sweep her of her feet" but it has a more aggressive less romantic feel to it, I just really like the intelligence choice of words behind it. So all in all, a great song.

Back to the start
Back To The Start is (in terms of musical style) a similar to Everyone's At It, a mixture of drum and bass, dance and pop using distortion in the music. The song is about a friend or family member of Allen's who she was jealous of for being "the taller and prettier one" and then decided to shun, embarrass and dislike for far longer than she felt the grudge reside within her. I thoroughly enjoy it's beat and style, a superb song.

Never Gonna Happen
Never Gonna Happen is another comedic song about a clingy guy she was toying with and then decided not to go out with him, but doesn't make it very clear by first telling him "I never want to see you again", and then ringing him up again because she feels lonely, then later stating "How can I be anymore obvious?". It's got a very funky unusual melody and beat using what I think is a accordion. I literally could listen to this song all day.

Fuck You
Fuck You, a song originally written about the British National Party, now widely about any bigot, racist or conservative/republican party member. Sounding like a Christmas song by melody and then repeating "Fuck You" regularly throughout the song makes for a genius hilarious juxtaposition. Bizarrely released as a single, a great song no question, but a strange choice for a single.

He Wasn't There
He Wasn't There is a song written about her Dad (Keith Allen), who seems wasn't the best parent around until it came to later in her life and helping her out with her musical career. It has a wonderful jazz band style to beat, which brings a smile to my face every time I listen to it.

Of course much like the first album the rest of the songs are pure musical gold.
I Could Say is a song about a ex-boyfriend who she breaks up with because she feels like he's dragging her down, turns out she's right. It's great somber song, Who'd Have Known is a catchy acoustic sounding pop song about getting together with someone after months of reserved flirting, it's a happy, jolly song which is a nice antidote to the some of the comedic venom of the other songs, Him is a simple slow song about if God existed, what would he think of humanity? More of a focus on humanity's behavior than the concept of God itself, Chinese is another simple slow song about being with someone and just relaxing with them, nice, calm and amusing.

And if you really feel like listening to more (which I'm sure you do) have a look at her covers:
Mr.Blue Sky
Everybody's Changing
Naive
Womanizer (YouTube Link)

So that's what I think about Lily Allen's music. My second favourite artist ever, hope you take a listen!

- KBoomer

Unblogged's Unwelcome Understanding

2009-09-08T17:34:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Unblogged! Three times as many G's than the leading brand!

Unblogged is a blog about practically anything, it could be reviews, it could be mindless observations, youtube videos of men named Jonny and Dave or even reviews. Created by the rements of the Concerned/Christopher C. Livingston Fanclub, we intend to create some asemblence of entertainment. Why not preruse the articles, and have a laugh or two.

We'll soon enough have introductions of our main contributiors once they assemble of mini portofolio.

http://unbloggged.blogspot.com/ - with THREE g's not two.