DSgusting: Dora Puppy

 Once again, Musicman takes on a truly awful DS game.


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I don't know about you guys, but I grew up with Tamagotchi and Digimon. In retrospect, those little handhelds weren't complex or all that interesting in any way, but there was a very real sense of responsibility associated with them. After all, they were fickle beasts that tended to die at a moment's notice, and for a little kid with bigger plans on his mind, that moment tended to come often. Every time, though, I was sad, because there was something I had put a lot of time into, and it vanished without a trace.

Live, damn you!

The point you should draw from all this is that even the original pet games, which debuted 14 years ago, had risks and emotional context. Even with their tiny, pixely displays, there was a bond formed, a real dedication to watching that little character grow up. And that formula worked.

So why in the world would a pet game 14 years after the fact, on far superior technology, get everything wrong? Let's find out.

Even the title is wrong

If the "back in my day, our virtual pets had risks and rewards" speech actually sounds old-fashioned, maybe you should go back to your coloring books and your safe little world, you boogerhead. I understand why people think kids shouldn't have to deal with pain, sadness, or loss; it probably rings true that it's the worst part of growing up, for everyone. But it is just that: a part of growing up. You can't take that away, or else the future generations will be doomed to fail. Maybe it seems insignificant to consider having emotional depth in children's media, but this is precisely the sort of stuff they're absorbing - and somewhere you've got to teach them that the world's not all rainbows and unicorns.

And physical improbabilities.

Not to say that they really should be absorbing this stuff. Dora the Explorer is not a very good children's franchise. If you're at all familiar with the television show or original computer program, you know that it leaves little room for the intellectual development of a child with the beginnings of the faculties of speech and color-identification. Apart from the spouting of simple vocabulary from the Spanish language (¡LENGUA!), expect some neural deterioration by the end of it.

Let's start at the beginning. I was fishing through a grab-bag of titles released this year for something that looked like a bad game. I came across the name, "Dora Puppy." I could only hope, morbidly, that it was the same Dora of Dora the Explorer. Indeed it was, and oh, were my ears in for a Spanglish treat.

That's not even the same puppy from the game, mind you.

For a game related to an educational series, it amazes me that there is no reading necessary, whatsoever. You have to listen to Dora's voice, nonstop, for information. Even when you don't want it. Especially when you don't want it. I'll get to that later. For now, we'll address the not-so-bads.

Not so bad: The graphics. There's a bit of animation, and the game makes use of the full color spectrum. The style is distinctly that of the show, meaning there's the same character style and mismatched perspectives you've come to know.

Holy cow the floor sure is slanted. Or is it? Just don't think about it.

The puppy, "PERRITO," is cute, even if it looks pitiful all the time (¡TIEMPO!). Dora looks like she does on the show, meaning her eyes are as empty and soulless as ever. She only ever exhibits two expressions, neither of which resemble normal mortal emotions.

Pictured: judgmental gazing and something we probably should not understand.

Not so bad: The gameplay. Well, there's not much, but it's all gesture-based stylus commands we've seen before. Thankfully, they all work to some degree. There's shape-tracing, which for the most part responds to drawing the shape indicated. It also responds to furious scribbling in a manner completely unrelated to the prompted shape.

LET'S SHOW HIM A TRICK BY DRAWING THIS SHAPE
LET'S SHOW HIM AGAIN

There are only a few minigames, but none of them will test your patience (unlike Let's Play Flight Attendant). Unfortunately, none of them can be lost, either. The game just patiently waits for you to fulfill whatever commands Dora barks at you. You can pick wrong the shape or color all day, and Dora will continue yelling, "TRY AGAIN!" until you get it right. There's also some microphone usage, if you could call it that. Frequently, just like in the TV show, Dora will pause to ask you to tell your puppy "WHAT A GOOD BOY HE WAS!" Regardless of what you start saying into the mic, Dora will cut you off and continue on her spiel.

Remember, kids: when that little icon shows up, you can scream whatever you want at the game!

And here's where we start getting into what's wrong with this game: Dora never shuts up. Not only will she never shut up, you have to wait until she never shuts up before you are allowed to do what she just never shut up about. They could have at least programmed some pauses in between her soundbytes, but, alas, she needs not a breath to tell you in so many words how to let your puppy outside to 'tinkle.' The game assumes that you are incapable of learning, so Dora gives you the same, lengthy explanation every time you try to take an action. There is no way to skip the explanations. Her grating, overly-compressed monologues will soon become the most annoying part of this game, and even if you attempt to tune it out, it's very difficult to ignore the frequency with which she over-articulates the word "PERRITO" such that it sounds exactly like another certain Mexican term, especially given how heavy the audio compression is.

"BURRITO BURRITO BURRITO BURRITO"

As stated, there is absolutely no text in-game, meaning you have to listen to her to know what it is you're trying to fulfill. Even once you've learned what to do, you have to wait for the pauses in her speech to take action. Sometimes, the game even checks if you're listening, by asking you to identify a color or shape Dora just said. The game essentially corners you into leaving the volume up. Even if there were text in the game, I'm positive all of Dora's speech would be in all caps. She is seriously yelling the entire time.

With all this disturbance cause by the titular Explorer, one must wonder what in the world is she even doing here (¡AQUÍ!)? The game is "Dora Puppy," as in "Dora and Puppy," not "Dora's Puppy." This is your puppy BURRITO, and Dora's just here to help you learn how to raise it. When her job is done, however, she will not leave. She is the burden on the otherwise fruitful relationship between you and BURRITO. Perhaps in a backwards twist to storytelling, the camaraderie formed between you and the puppy is based on a mutual disdain for a loud-mouthed Latin child who follows you everywhere.

Even the bathroom (¡BAÑO!).

Or perhaps she's there because the game is pretty sure you're a vegetable.

Besides the assumption that you have no learning capabilities or memory retention, the game also avoids the use of big words. Or different words. Take note as I summarize the story with terms straight from the game. You want to help BURRITO win the BIG PUPPY COMPETIION. So you take care of him and play with him to earn PUPPY TOKENS which you can spend at the PUPPY CLUB STORE to buy swank new clothes, stickers, and various devices with which to rigorously train your PUPPY. Eventually, you can save up enough to enter BURRITO in the local fair's PUPPY COMPETITION, then take the prize in the BIG PUPPY COMPETITION.

Yeah, that's right. There's puppy dress-up.

It is never cleared up whether or not the BIG PUPPY COMPETITION is the highest level of competition, or just a division for BIG PUPPIES. Who cares, I won every trophy, ribbon, and accessory in the game in under an hour. The enterprising can shoot straight for the BIG PUPPY COMPETITION and "finish" the game in less than fifteen minutes.

I'm the Winner!

Going back to my fondness for virtual pet games, there's three key things that make them work.

1. Responsibility for the pet is in the hands of the user.

Dora Puppy flings this one out the window (¡VENTANA!). Dora takes charge here. She doesn't hold your hand through it all as much as she runs through it herself, screaming and dragging you along by the ear.

2. There are risks and rewards regarding how much attention you heed to the pet's needs.

Dora Puppy, again, doesn't even try. Sure, you're forced to tend to BURRITO's basic needs every once in a while, but there's no real negative consequence for being a bad pet owner. In fact, the game rewards you for doing so. The fastest way to earn PUPPY TOKENS is by overfeeding your puppy. Way to inspire future pet owners.

Eat some more so we can afford that new puppy sweater!

3. There are displays of affection, even symbolic ones, from either party.

Dora Puppy... you get the idea. You can't pet the puppy, the puppy doesn't get happy.

Dora Puppy: Sad Puppy Simulator

If I were to base a score on the polish this game had, it might not be too bad. The art, again, is pretty vibrant, and amount of voicework is extensive for such a tiny cart (like most budget titles, DP is published on a 16 MB DS cartridge, though it doesn't even take up half of that space). The rest of the sound design is barely noticeable over Dora's tirades. There's a single song that loops quietly in the background the entire time, and there are a couple puppy noises that BURRITO emits. Don't expect them to bother you. I encountered only a couple glitches: one, Dora sometimes talks over herself (once again proof of her demonic power); and two, on occasion, the puppy would go ahead and do what it was supposed to do without waiting for me to wait for Dora to finish telling me what to tell the puppy to do. In fact, I reveled in the latter glitch, because for a moment, Dora was silent, stunned at the sign of the puppy's independence.

I am not, however, basing this score on polish alone. I am basing it on the experience of a rational human being. Even a child who watches the television show, a completely non-interactive entity, is going to be disappointed by how little Dora allows you to do. Dora is abusively controlling, and she exerts such a level of brain-melting, puppy-choking ear-rape that "playing" this game becomes less of a chore and more of a full-fledged tortuous affair.


Dora Puppy gets a -6 out of -10.


Note: I never explained the criteria for picking these bad games. I'm going for games that are less than a year old and that have never been reviewed by a major publication, online or off. Dora Puppy is fair game for these reviews because it came out in late October 2009.

P.S.: I am also redacting the original -2/-10 given to Let's Play Flight Attendant, because after a brief revisiting I have realized that its longevity is not a good thing. It is dull to the point of physical suffering, a symptom not even Dora Puppy exhibited because it is absolutely the shortest licensed game I have played this year. Let's Play Flight Attendant's only saving grace was the fact that you could play with the volume off. With that considered, it officially gets a -4 out of -10, no longer barring a hatred for French developers.