Heinzy revisits Dragon Age with a thrust.
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Being one of the two surviving Grey Wardens from the Battle of Ostagar, Eriden had been through a lot when he met busty Morrigan for the second time that day. He had woken up naked in a small, stinky cabin, with the witch oogling his white undies, his last memories being that he was about to get gangraped by a group of evil Darkspawn.
When he walked outside, Eriden saw his savior, Morrigans mother Flemeth together with his fellow Warden and crybaby Alistair, a former mage-hunting Templar. Flemeth, who was awfully good-looking for being a centuries old abomination who had eaten dozens of men and children, told Eriden and his Grey Warden companion Alistair that the Darkspawn army had totally buttfucked the King's Army, killing countless of men and women. Even the young King had been crushed (SO MUCH BLOOD!), but neither of the Grey Wardens cared about that fruity monarch. But when Flemeth told them that she could see the s Hurlock Alphas molest the leader of the Ferelden Grey Warden leader, Duncan, Alistair trembled.
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Being one of the two surviving Grey Wardens from the Battle of Ostagar, Eriden had been through a lot when he met busty Morrigan for the second time that day. He had woken up naked in a small, stinky cabin, with the witch oogling his white undies, his last memories being that he was about to get gangraped by a group of evil Darkspawn.
When he walked outside, Eriden saw his savior, Morrigans mother Flemeth together with his fellow Warden and crybaby Alistair, a former mage-hunting Templar. Flemeth, who was awfully good-looking for being a centuries old abomination who had eaten dozens of men and children, told Eriden and his Grey Warden companion Alistair that the Darkspawn army had totally buttfucked the King's Army, killing countless of men and women. Even the young King had been crushed (SO MUCH BLOOD!), but neither of the Grey Wardens cared about that fruity monarch. But when Flemeth told them that she could see the s Hurlock Alphas molest the leader of the Ferelden Grey Warden leader, Duncan, Alistair trembled.
Does this mean...no it can't be, Alistair whimpered.
That's right, Flemeth said. His anus has become tainted with the Darkspawn seed and he is now more dead than Curly's sexual drive!
Who the hell is Curly? Morrigan exclaimed.
NOT DUNCAN! Eriden cried out. I'VE KNOWN HIM FOR SO MANY HOURS AND NOW I FEEL OH SO SAD BECAUSE OF HIS UNTIMELY DEATH! LOGAIN, THE MAN WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS MASSACRE, SHALL PAY! EXPOSITION!
My mentor, my Duncan...Alistair could barely contain the tears. Duncan was like a father to him, a non-main character father but still enough of a father to make his sadness believable. The last time he was this sad was when his white undies, which was of the exact same brand as Eridens, got tangled together with his sword in the Chantry washroom. The girls who saw him told the Revered Mother, a bishop of sorts, that he tried to circumcise himself. Sunday school was never the same after that.
Yes, you two are the only Grey Warden left in Ferelden, Flemeth said, and it's up to you two to save everyone from the evil hordes of inbred orcs and solve every petty squabble you can!
But this story isn't really about saving the world from an ancient evil. No, Eriden isn't that kind of a hero. He's the rich, horny kind. And his sword is ready to penetrate any kind of “evil”. But he told no one of his intentions. What good would it do?
Banding together with McWhiny and Tits Galore, Eriden began his sexy adventure throughout the land, romancing Morrigan even before they left the shithole of Lothering. After finding new companions and love interests throughout the map, he found himself deep underground in the appropriately named Deep Roads. These ancient halls were the highway that connected the dwarven cities. After the Darkspawn buttfucked the dwarves, the Roads were abandoned and now house thousands and thousands of raunchy beasts. But no creature in all of Theads was more raunchy, more sexually deprived than Eriden Cousland. And he was going to show everyone that he was the HORNY WARDEN.
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| and that he would leave little to the imagination. |
In his quest to find the Anvil of the Void, an anvil that could create armies of nigh-indestructible golems, Eriden and his gang encountered the most well-endowed Darkspawn of them all (of course not counting the Arsedemon), the giant purple people eater aka an Ogre. After hours of hard, sweaty fighting, they managed to fell it, but not killing it. Eriden, seeing a chance to impress Morrigan (who had previously cockblocked him because she's so confused bla bla women-talk), leaped onto the great beast.
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| Bow Chicka... |
However, being the HORNY WARDEN, he realized that he could get human pootang anywhere in Ferelden but that an Orge isn't likely to wander into the local whorehouse anytime soon. He plunged his sword right into the orifice of the beast...
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| ...OH GOD IT HURTS |
...and dismounted it, satisfied.
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| Sorry, I'm not normally that quick. |
The redhead drunkard Oghren congratulated Eriden for killing this sodding nug-humper and started rambling on how his wife Branka was such a Hurlock-on-fire between the bedsheets. Our hero, ignoring the dwarf, told his team to continue onward while he made sure the Ogre stayed dead.
Stupid Morrigan, he mumbled. Bah, now I have something with even more pixels than her boobs! She can go and give birth to a demonbaby for all I care!
He had one last though of Duncan, in a string bikini, before he defiled the anus of his fallen foe.
Twice.
Eriden Cousland's journey through the pants of Ferelden will continue. Probably, I mean come on the guy has needs.
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